Long before Sr. T and I were married, I had made up my mind about retaining my maiden surname for life. Education and work experience in different cultures supported my opinions by giving me a voice. Also, I must confess that I loved my full name. Sr. T was more interested in building a life together than my thoughts related to surname change. A situation of conflict never arose.
Because of our postings in Mysore followed by Bangalore, this never really became an issue. Residents of these cities often had initials as a surname. And people were generally the non-interfering type. So it hardly mattered to them whether I was Sonia C or Sonia B as long as they knew my name was Sonia and I was heading the branch of a Private sector Bank.
At times, individuals develop such tender love and affection towards their partner that they start swaying away from the original decisions. In my case, I took fancy to adding Banerjee to my full name after a year of getting married. Facebook let me do it without any hassles but when I wanted to get this changed in my bank account, I had to provide documents as proof. In about a couple of weeks time, reality had dawned on me in a harsh way. The paperwork involved in getting Banerjee added to my Pan card, passport, bank accounts, and other documents involved time, effort and non-transparent rules. Eventually, my practical brain gave a sane voice to my love-struck heart.
I must also mention a certain colleague who had kindly pointed out that the number of characters in Sonia Chatterjee Banerjee exceeded the number of boxes against the name section in almost all application forms. That sealed the end of any remote possibility of a name change.
Honestly, it wasn’t easy. But I had a sensible husband and progressive thinking in-laws who looked beyond societal expectations. After Tuneer was born, my father-in-law had suggested that we add both the surnames to the name. While the suggestion was lucrative, the thought of the poor boy scribbling such a lengthy name on those extra sheets of paper in his future exams stopped us from going ahead.
While filling up the form for his hospital discharge certificate, I had mentioned Dr. T Banerjee as his father and Sonia Chatterjee as his mother. The nurse who had accepted the filled application form returned in a couple of minutes to point out my error. “The surname ‘should’ be Banerjee for you as well”, she had said. She looked shocked as I described my feeling of being staying Chatterjee instead.
Little did I know that it was just the beginning of my lifelong struggle with my surname because the general perception is that a married woman needs to be known as a Mrs. (Husband’s surname). At Tuneer’s preschool, almost all his notices read Mr. & Mrs. Banerjee and a couple of times Mr. & Mrs. Chatterjee. I don’t think we ever received any writing that said, Dr. Banerjee & Ms. Chatterjee.
It had sort of become a part of our lives now though my husband found these to be quite trivial. We had no idea how difficult it was going to get until we started filling out the school admission application forms. While submitting the application form at a CBSE school that boasted of holistic development of a child, an office staff had sarcastically asked us to also attach a copy of our marriage certificate. Not the kind to take things lying down, I had retaliated asking if he wanted our marriage pics to be submitted as well.
In another school, one of the interviewers had expressed concerns about the child’s probable future confusion related to two different surnames. These stray incidents might not really be indicative of the gender bias that exists at places which ideally should focus on teaching the future generation how to eradicate these evils. Yet we never went back to even check the results at these schools because I was worried about the boy ‘confusing’ gender stereotyping with moral science lessons in the long-term.
So, did I change my surname? No
Do I intend to change my surname in the future? Hell, no.
Sometimes I have this strong urge to tell my son about finding a girl with the same surname so that their next generation doesn’t go through another level of narrow-minded harrowing experiences. But I stop myself thinking that 3.5 yrs is probably still too young for him to get such ideas.
Did you like today’s post? Stay tuned to know details about D tomorrow. In the meanwhile, you might want to check out my previous posts here.
soniasmusings 
I can feel your pain. As you said it is not just about interest, there is a hell lot of procedure to get the name changed. Even Queen Elizabeth(2) faced this issue 😀 When she retained her father’s name people and her husband was not happy with it. Problem of every married woman 🙂
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Hahahahahahaha … that’s how beautifully hypocritical our society is. I am impressed with the ease with which you approach these complicated topics and have such a balanced and unbiased narrative to render. By the way, my wife too proudly retained her surname and our’s being a liberal and progressive family supported her completely 🙂 .
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Even I didn’t change my surname officially. It is a hell lot of paperwork.
But on Social platforms and on my blog I do use my husband’s surname ‘Bhat’ simply because it sounds cool 😂. It is like a pen surname for me.
When it comes to kid, I remember an ad where a kid asks his mother about difference in surnames. And she says, you have your father’s surname and I have my father’s. ✌️
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Even I didn’t change my surname officially. It is a hell lot of paperwork.
But on Social platforms and on my blog I do use my husband’s surname ‘Bhat’ simply because it sounds cool 😂. It is like a pen surname for me.
When it comes to kid, I remember an ad where a kid asks his mother about difference in surnames. And she says, you have your father’s surname and I have my father’s. ✌️
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My daughter’s name is Subhashini and my wife’s name is Soudhamini. Initially we were planning to name my daughter Subhashini Soudhamini Jayakumar but we later felt that would be like playing a rather cruel joke on an unsuspecting child. So we ended up naming her Subhashini Iyer. It did sound a bit casteist to include Iyer but we sort of felt there was no point in nitpicking too much. So my daughter is finally Subhashini Iyer and seems to be carrying on merrily everywhere. 😀😀
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We had named my daughter Subhashini and my wife’s name is Soudhamini. So we thought of naming my daughter Subhashini Soudhamini Jayakumar but later decided that would be a cruel joke on an unsuspecting child. :). We settled on a simple Subhashini Iyer finally. That sounds a bit casteist but we decided to kinda not nitpick too much. My daughter so far has carried on merrily with Subhashini Iyer. :):)
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Gender bias starts early – good for you being aware of what exactly to teach your child when. Having lived outside India I am truly baffled by the bureaucratic procedures for everything, pre- and post- marriage.
Btw, I took my husband’s surname – and the procedures to change all my documentation – oh god, less said the better. And this was decades ago so obviously making life complicated for ordinary citizens is a timeless thing! Delhi ka laddu jo khaye wo bhi pachtaye… takes on a different dimension… 🙂
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You have a mysore/bangalore connection! Wow! Anyway that was a side issue. I can totally understand your frustration on this surname issues. I hope Tuneer is now in a school that is more open minded.
Meena
http://www.balconysunrise.wordpress.com
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I loved today’s post, Sonia! I was chuckling all along! 😛
Why did you cut off your hubby’s face from this snap? 😀
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Very very interesting line of events and so relatable. Great read!
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Seriously, this annoys me always. Someone even said that changing name shows your belongingness to the family! Thankfully my husband is a sensible man and doesn’t believe in this rubbish. We also thought of dropping both our surnames and going for a cool one 😛 but the documentation hassles stopped us. I wish our kids never face such issues.
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Great you continued with your maiden surname. Many successful ladies do that. I think outlook of society is changing. After marriage, a girl is not necessarily identified by her husbands identity alone.
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This was such an uplifting post! I haven’t changed my surname either and nor do I intend to. But people will be people…
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Amidst all the humdrum and discussion of societal expectation versus how society is changing today to just trash such issues as unnecessary, I truly enjoyed the undercurrent of humour in your post. From a pure literary perspective I found this a delightful post, while certainly understanding the pain and trouble you had to go through on the issue of keeping both the surnames. A well written satire on the unnecessary trivia that society still continues to fret on!
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I loved the post and all the confusions regarding the surnames. Jokes apart! But on a serious note, this is the first issue, girls have to face after the marriage. If she wants to change her surname she has to go through all the procedure.Hectic Job!
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Another post that i can so identify with… love reading your stories…
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Such an Interesting story it was. I am a person who always prefer watching movies and shows based on novels because I am never able to read stories but yours… So Cool!
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Sonia, I so love your posts. I also love how you highlight issues that must be talked about but rarely are. Chatterjee-Banerjee would be quite a mouthful, no?:)
I changed my surname simply because each time we traveled abroad, my father had to give a No Objection letter, for us to apply for the visa:)) He did get tired of doing so!
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I changed my surname when in US right after my wedding. At that time, I had not given it much thought. But later I started using Srivastava Parmar in all the online forums but officially my name is Rachna Parmar. All I did was by own wish and also to avoid hassles especially with Indian forms. In US, they are very cool with both partners retaining their surname. But yes, in India it helped. Though, if I had not traveled to the US immediately after marriage, I would have retained my maiden name. Who will go through the hassle of changing all documents? My sis-in-law retains her maiden name and I completely support that. Good post, Sonia.
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Even I didnt change my surname. It’s so much work and also am so used to my surname that I cant identify myself with my hubby’s surname.
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What’s there in a (Sur)name?
Life should go on smoothly together, doesn’t matter you change your surname or not. Many people are yet to accept this equation 😁
aditikapur.com
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I was crazy enough to add the husband’s surname. Like you I can write a post of the reactions to my two surnames… sigh
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You know what! I always thought that I would like to retain my maiden name post marriage. But alas I wasn’t that strong headed and changed my name on paper, just so that I could avoid all those confusions you have mentioned about in your post. But I am glad that I use my maiden name in all my creative and individual endeavors. And I really do look forward to two daughters in law (ahmmm or sons in law?) who have the freedom to keep their maiden names.
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My husband does not use his surname. I have retained my maiden name. After marriage, there were times when I said that maybe I can add his first name as my surname. But as you mentioned this was trivial for my husband and he did not want to take the pains of doing all the paperwork. My inlaws were also fine with it. But my daughter uses her surname. It is very funny but the 3 of us don’t have that similar name (surname). There have been a lot of confusion and questions as well. Questions at schools, airports and hospitals have been irritating and at the same time funny. But we plan not to change our names.
Missed A and B … but shall follow now.
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Hahaha! This line… “At Tuneer’s preschool, almost all his notices read Mr. & Mrs. Banerjee and a couple of times Mr. & Mrs. Chatterjee. ” I was wondering if this ever happened with you, and then there it was! 😀 :))
Indian mentality is just crazy about certain things!
Find my post for today @ How to Create Amazing Content to Grow Your Business? The Simplest 5-Key Content Creation Strategy
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Seriously Sonia, we live in a society that exhibits hypocrisy to the maximum. I salute you for taking the bold stand of not changing the surname. As it is said, the change should start from yourself. Btw your marriage pic is adorable.
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Personally, using both the surnames is most like my pen name. But I have never changed my surname and will not change. Great piece, as always!
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Ohh!!! I thought the times are changing many of my friends haven’t changed their surnames after marriage. I never realize they have to face challenges too.
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i never knew that this kind of problem could occur. yes, i am also supportive of the woman should keep their surname after marriage, because she had worked hard to make a name out of herself, but this is is on the new level. love to read more of your post in future.
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Hi Sonia,
You have shed light on a very important topic. Though we become progressive in our thoughts, society keeps reminding us of the orthodox views. I and my husband will celebrate 3 year anniversary this July but we have never given serious thought about changing my surname. Till now it has hardly mattered but I am concerned about the future when we have to admit my kid to a school. Hopefully, in the next 3-4 years, there will be more acceptance about husbands and wives having different surnames.
https://evergreenleaf.blogspot.com/2019/04/c-cravings.html
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Hi Sonia,
You have shed light on a very important topic. Though we become progressive in our thoughts, society keeps reminding us of the orthodox views. I and my husband will celebrate 3 year anniversary this July but we have never given serious thought about changing my surname. Till now it has hardly mattered but I am concerned about the future when we have to admit my kid to a school. Hopefully, in the next 3-4 years, there will be more acceptance about husbands and wives having different surnames.
https://evergreenleaf.blogspot.com/2019/04/c-cravings.html
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An interesting post. A must read post for all of them. It has a strong and wonderful message
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I am giggling reading today’s post Sonia, as this is so relatable. I changed my name post marriage, firstly because I never liked my maiden name and wanted a chance to do it without hurting the feelings of Dad. And secondly, I am married into a Rajput family. So, coming from Sikh to a Rajput is quite a big move and I didn’t want anyone to drag my already long name. Hence changed into Dipika.
The task came when we went for the name change as per Mah govt. and law of the land. My passport is still waiting to get it changed.
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I could understand your pain and emotions so well. we lived in a society that has some unusual obsessions. I am glad you did not change your surname. loving the series and reading your experience with the whole process.
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He he… This was a writing , from beginning to end, kept me on smiles. A1 struggles amidst B and C!
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I have a similar story, Sonia. I have not changed my surname and its still Malhotra on my passport. Although it is confusing many times and I also have many stories like you, I am also not planning to change it. Good one.
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Good to go through your experience and your supportive family.
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The entire post kept my smiling and grinning throughout, though it would be even more hilarious were it not a real struggle for you and so many other women. Hopefully, it won’t be for long. Kudos for the brilliant writing
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Little did I know that there could be so many angles to not changing name after marriage. Thank you for sharing this! It was good to know. 😊
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Wow that’s a refreshing take on an age old practice. Hats off to your courage and persistence! Thanks for sharing
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And the confusion never ends! I had wanted to keep both Ruchi Chopra Nasa, Chopra being my maiden sir name and Nasa from my husband. I didn’t have a passport before marriage and when applying one of the husbands relatives working in the passport department as a help got Affadavit of Name change as Ruchi Nasa. Once an official document, it became very difficult to do anything else. After 15 years now it doesn’t matter. As they say “what’s in a name?”
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Now that’s where I want to use the f word for all those who think surnames really matter. My story is similar to yours, I have retained my surname just because I wanted to and haven’t yet faced any issues or received a comment on it from anyone. Even my son uses my surname instead of his father’s. Let’s see how it goes when the admissions start. But, I will be prepared to answer back.
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I never really thought of retaining my maiden name cause I was so in with the ‘novel’ idea of changing one’s name after marriage. But, as you said it was a huge hassle changing all my id cards to my post marriage name. My DL and Voters Id is still in my old name and address but I can get away with it cause I still live in the same city. That said, I can truly empathize with your predicament here.
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I hear you, Sonia. Although I did change my surname post marriage (my heart won!), I have friends who were questioned by utterly confused population census people about their choice of retaining their maiden surnames. To each his own, I say. The changing names on all documents part is truly harrowing. I know!
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Lovely post, Sonia..smiling and reading as always!! 🙂
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When I saw the number of combinations of my cousin’s name after she got married, I said that’s it, no changing names. Who will go through all the rigmarole of paperwork *shivers*
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Good to know people with similar thinking .I would have loved to continue my maiden name but had to change it.
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This was a fun post and yet behind the fun I can see how difficult it could have become. I was fortunate in that both our surnames were the same. In Maharashtra the father’s name is used as the daughter’s middle name. Each time I say there’s no middle name for my daughter, they ask for the father’s name and fill it in without bothering to seek permission. It’s a small thing but it drives me crazy. It’ll be ages before these ideas are sorted.
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Wow this is some tale of the surnames. Good on you to stick with it! Its only in India I think that we are stuck onto this mentality towards the married woman! One of my SIL had her first name changed to “better” the future of her husband. How we revolted till she requested us that its ok with her. I still cant believe my cousin went along with this; he could have said no to his parents and that horrid pandit!
Times have changed a lot and I am happy to see more and more women sticking to their names!! May this tribe grow!
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that’s like my story minus the kid.. even I’ve retained my maiden name and on social media my name is so long after including my husband’s surname that i sometimes wonder how we gonna name our kid… though i wanted to keep both surnames but given the hassles and time and effort consuming the process of name change is, we both dropped the idea of adding his surname to mine. but again the question is why should society decide what surname girls should have post their wedding and why not having both surnames accepted for kid after all the baby is part of both- the mother and father so why s/he should only be known by father’s surrname… that’s beyond my understanding..
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Thank you so much for reading. Glad this resonated with you
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