I write because of you

Dear Ma,

I have lost count of the number of letters I have written to you for the past 7 years. All I know is that there are going to be still many more. If only you had left behind an address where I could have posted them, you would have known how much your absence has affected me.

I am sure you know that I have become a writer now. The idea was planted in my head by you through constant encouragement on every single piece of my writing (even though some really deserved to be trashed). Baba – the Maths Professor took credit for any progress in the science subjects while arts was majorly your domain of expertise.

I was in the second standard when I wrote an essay by myself. I don’t even remember the topic today. All I remember is the butter-laden hot paratha as a reward for my efforts. As I grew up, I stopped involving you in my projects and assigned tasks but I know you never stopped reading my Bengali and English notebooks. Sometimes you came back with suggestions for improvement and I felt angry with you for interfering. I hope you know that it was my teenage confused mind.  Because today I realize that you were the reason for me to keep writing. I might have inherited the love of reading from Baba but my love for penning down of thoughts came from you.

As school got over, the race of life and career started. Even though I managed to retain my love for books, the mode of expression through writing was lost amidst higher studies and jobs. At times you tried reminding me of my abilities as a writer but I always laughed it off on the pretext of barely having any time for pursuing hobbies.

I had always been a Papa’s girl. I looked up to him as my role model. But I never realized how you had much of my existence was occupied by you and your love until that fateful night of 2011.

When you were admitted into the hospital on 12th Nov, none of us even had the slightest premonition of losing you to pancreatitis the very next morning. I was so numbed by your death that I started living in denial for months. I hated going to work and cooked up excuses to sit at home, staring at the vacuum. But I had to stay strong for Baba as I couldn’t bear to see him crumble. So I put up a brave face on the outside and carried on with the emptiness in my heart for few more months.

Suddenly the floodgates crashed one fine day. I don’t remember how many nights I spent stifling sobs into my pillow. When the pain became unbearable, I decided to let it go. You had taught me that the best way of dealing with pain and rejection was to keep venting it out on paper. I had done it every single time I faced dejection. I started writing a diary.

I have kept those diaries only to myself. When I read them now, I realize that I was bordering on depression during those months. Hadn’t I had a husband who stayed extremely supportive and non-judgemental during that phase and a channel to let out my pain through my pen, I doubt if I could even cope up with your loss.

I changed jobs and I switched cities but a part of my heart and life always stayed desolate without you.

And then life took a different turn. Your grandson was born in September 2015. It wasn’t until he came into my life that I realized the difficulty of being a motherless new mum. After some months, I realized that I didn’t want to miss a moment of him growing up and decided to quit the corporate world. We moved back home to Kolkata.

With time, the restlessness in me grew about venturing out on my own. By then, I had been writing quite regularly about my experience as a new mother and on a lot of general issues but there was no solid plan in place. Suddenly I remembered this line from the movie Cinderella – “No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true.”

As a tribute to your faith in my abilities to weave magic through words, I launched my blog on the toddler’s second birthday. It was time to follow my heart and give words a permanent place in my life and on the virtual platform. Just like this girl on a horse looking at a faraway distance, I have embarked on a new journey with a vision to make my mark as a writer. I know you are going to be my guiding light in this journey of self-discovery.

I write for you and because of you
I write because of you

Every single post that I have written till date or the e-book that I have published last month has been because of you. And I don’t think it is going to be any different in the future.

I hope I could bring a smile and make you proud even though I wish I could say all this to you in person. Because the biggest truth is that the family portrait will forever stay incomplete in your absence.

Love,

S

This post is the sixth entry to the Write Tribe festival of words (24-30 Jun 2018) #write bravely. You can read the first five posts here

Write Tribe

Author: Sonia Chatterjee

Who am I? Ex-Banker turned Blogger/Writer/Solopreneur. Any qualifications? A Post graduate degree in Chemistry followed by Post Graduate Diploma in Management. I am still trying to figure out how and when I can connect all these dots to what I do presently. Have I done any real work? If two years in Market Research and six years in Banking (three different Banks though) as Branch Head can be considered as real work. Where do I live? After a nomadic sixteen years in Delhi, Bangalore & Mysore, I am back to where it all started from - Kolkata. My favorite things - Food, travel, books and my two and half year old toddler son What is this blog about ? Sonia's musings is an attempt to channelize emotions through words and pictures hoping they touch a chord with my visitors.

52 thoughts on “I write because of you”

  1. Sending hugs to you, my dear Sonia. This actually made my eyes moist. I am falling short of words.
    I think commenting anything here would be unjustified. I am sure She is watching over you and be so proud of her little girl living her dream and making it big. I am proud of you too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You made me cry with this tribute to your Mom, Sonia, and I am sure she is up there smiling down at you, her heart filled with pride at her wonderful and talented daughter writing so beautifully. Keep writing Sonia, your words are magic.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Love and hugs to you for penning this down. The loss is so difficult. I am so glad you decided to start this blog. Your writing is soulful and amazing. Towards the end of this heartfelt letter, I was moved to happy tears of nostalgia and the journey that it has been for you. God bless. May your writing journey continue long and wide. Loved this letter to bits.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you dear Pratikshya. It really came from my heart. At one point, I was so filled with emotions that I didn’t even know if I could end it. This is such an irreplaceable loss that the pain feels still very fresh. Thank you for reading.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This is so touching sonia. The tribute to your mom is heart warming and it almost brought tears in me. I do miss my mom in India and that was the outcome of my tomoro’s post, posted in advance as iam travelling and having problem in scheduling. Well written. U have been writing excellent throughout this season.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Such a heartwarming tribute to your Mother, Sonia. I can relate to each and every word as I know the pain of losing a parent. Even if we are heart broken from inside, we need to keep a smile on our faces for our family. I’m sure your mother is looking at you from up, smiling and very proud of her daughter who is a star. Hugs, my dear ❤

    Like

  6. One of the most beautiful posts of today in this challenge. Love how you’ve shared such a personal story and also given us a peek into the connection between your family and this blog itself.

    Somewhere up above, your mom will be giving you a major thumbs up for this post.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I lost my mother 20 years back. I was in school. Every word, every alphabet in this letter echoed with me, and it was difficult to hold back tears. My dad was a gold medalist in maths and taught me maths while ma was a student of history. She always taught me arts subjects. My mom was an amazing storyteller and kids used to flock her for stories. Hugs and love to you

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I am absolutely sure your mom is reading this post and showing it around everywhere. You have an angel watching over you and the writing adventures are going to be amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Sonia, I had tears in my eyes just reading your letter, I can’t even begin to imagine what you must have gone through. It must be so difficult to lose your mother so early in the life. I am happy that you are such a positive person and it reflects in your writing. I feel parents though not near always watch over us. Good luck to you Sonia!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Very moving ode to your mom. I can’t understand the way you feel, since losing a parent is an unbelievable loss. But I do empathise. Here’s the thing tho- if you write for your mom, you have to make her proud. And I know you will. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Wow Sonia. this is so beautiful and touching. I am sure your Mama would be very proud of you and no doubt she already was. So sorry for your loss, but really glad you have found a way to make something positive come of it. Lots of hugs and thank you for sharing.

    Like

  12. This is such an emotional one Sonia … I share a deep bond with my mom too and the way she has stood by me when I was studying for my CA exams , during tough phases in my career and when I became a mom make me realise she is indispensable in my life. My heart goes out to you.. it made my eyes moist

    Liked by 1 person

  13. This is heartbreaking. That very first paragraph made me want to reach out and hug you. Moms are all so special. I totally understand how they can seem interfering and how we often don’t give their suggestions enough thought or value. I’m glad you finally gave her her due through this letter. She’s always there to guide you form wherever she is now.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Lots of Hugs, Sonia.
    I am sure your thoughts and gratitude to your mother, for initially sowing the seeds of writing in you and your taking a leap as a writer, must have reached her making her happy wherever she is right now.
    I have to tell you though I wasn’t able to visit your fiction posts during the festival due to my limitations, I found your excitement in the group to be palpable and rubbing on positively on everyone. Also, thank you for reading my posts. I wish you all the best for the future.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. This was so wonderfully written and so heartfelt, Sonia. It made me very emotional thinking how dear their children are to their mothers and how your Ma would have felt reading this today. You know she will always be there for you no matter what wherever you go! Hugs, dear…I wish that every dream of yours may come true!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I am touched by this post. It’s wonderful to see how you channelled your grief into something so meaningful. A sweet rememberance of your mother. She would be proud to see how far you have come. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Hugs, Sonia. As I read your post I felt touched by the happenings of your life and how hard it must have been for you. Your Mum is watching you and even as you wrote this one, I am sure she would have been proud of who you have become. Marrying the art and science of life.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Sonia, I am speechless. This was straight coming from the daughter’s heart. I am noone to comment on such a beautiful relation between a daughter and mother. Each and every word was so deep. Your Ma is the brightest star you see up in the sky. And for her you were and will be the brightest star on the Earth.:-) Good to know you through this challenge.
    keep going. Keep smiling always!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I really hope so. When I had started writing for this challenge, I wanted to let my imagination fly. That’s why I consciously chose the picture prompts but on this particular day, I let my emotions take charge and thus came out this straight from the heart letter. Hugs and love to you too.

      Like

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