Letter to my eighteen month old toddler

Dear Gogol,

As you turn 18 months today, I look back at the fond memories we created in the past 1.5 yrs. You know, I had an extremely difficult pregnancy with days spent in and out of hospital, continuous scary scans and continued morning sickness throughout. Remember I even slipped from steps at 8.5 mnths! Your Baba showed unusual resilience and strength throughout this period.

Your delivery was way more complicated with the c section taking 2.5hrs to finish instead of regular 45mins. Infact before I slipped into an unconscious state, the last statement I heard from the gynae was that the babys movement can’t be felt. I could barely say Please God, not this time before I passed out under general anaesthesia since the previous 9 efforts of epidural by an intern anaesthetist turned out to be an epic failure. As I slipped in and out of my zombie state, I saw you for the first time after 6hrs of your birth.

There you were-all bundled up in a hospital towel,so pinkish, so tiny and so fragile. The generally ever so confident me wasn’t even sure how to take care of you. How do I know your wails are because of hunger, cholic pain or just the need to sleep. How much I missed your Dimma then-my Ma! Being a motherless mother, I learnt it the hard way by being on the job. Your Baba was a huge revelation to me. He was suddenly in charge and totally in control of anything related to you. No wonder you are his little yet biggest fan. Your Dadai, Didun and Dadubhai were trying to play the perfect grandparents in the best of their abilities.

The initial few months were a huge challenge-you barely slept a wink throughout the night. Your Baba and I would take turns to rock you,cuddle you but you wouldn’t just give up. The sleepless nights have gotten slightly better with time but you have managed to make us jump out of the bed by the faintest of your sound. My anxiety level,when it came to your well being was at paranoid best. Everytime you puked, I would start worrying that there’s a bug in your stomach. Remember when you had that horrible respiratory tract infection, your baba and I would stay up whole night trying to soothe you at the slightest of discomfort. I always thought I was good at bottling up emotions but the mere hint of a nasal congestion brought me to tears. Priorities changed. Topics aggressively researched on changed. When does a baby sit,when does he stand,when does he start waking – the endless list continues. The only decent conversations I seem to have these days are about weaning,potty training and vaccination schedule. A lot of my friends think I have gone nuts.

I can just go on and on. The 18 mnth journey will probably have more than 180 pages narration. Please know that your Baba and I love you unconditionally to the moon and back. I chose not to go back to work after my maternity leave got over because I didn’t want to miss a second of your growing up. And I feel so glad to have taken the decision and privileged to have the support of your father in the same. We moved back from Bangalore to Kolkata for good because it was important that you grow up in the nurturing caring and indulgent environment that only grandparents can provide with.Till date, nothing comes closer to the feeling of happiness invoked by the sound of ‘Mum’ from you.

As we embark on a new journey hereon, let me tell you that you are the reason and inspiration for us to get into a new phase of self driven career path. Well, I still don’t want to miss a moment of your growing years.

Precious little, I wish I could have said all this to you in person but you are way too young to understand. I am writing this with the hope that at any point of your life,if your thoughts are clouded by self doubts,this letter will tell you what you mean to us.Thank you for coming into our life.

Yours ever lovingly,

Mum

Edited to add – This was the letter that came straight from the heart last year. As I see him grow up so fast, I clutch on to every bit of memory accumulated in this twenty six months. Happy to have this published in mycity4kids today.

https://www.mycity4kids.com/parenting/sonia-s-musings/article/letter-to-my-18-month-old-toddler

Author: Sonia Chatterjee

Who am I? Ex-Banker turned Blogger/Writer/Solopreneur. Any qualifications? A Post graduate degree in Chemistry followed by Post Graduate Diploma in Management. I am still trying to figure out how and when I can connect all these dots to what I do presently. Have I done any real work? If two years in Market Research and six years in Banking (three different Banks though) as Branch Head can be considered as real work. Where do I live? After a nomadic sixteen years in Delhi, Bangalore & Mysore, I am back to where it all started from - Kolkata. My favorite things - Food, travel, books and my two and half year old toddler son What is this blog about ? Sonia's musings is an attempt to channelize emotions through words and pictures hoping they touch a chord with my visitors.

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